Abbecedario di provincia: lettera F

da | Ott 21, 2022 | Abbecedario di provincia | 41 commenti

L’ho persa quando lasciai un posto vuoto sul pullman accanto a me per quello che credevo fosse un amico – anzi “l’amico” – e lui beatamente scelse di sedersi altrove. Mi sono convinto che non esistesse quando guardandola negli occhi le promisi che lei sarebbe stata casa ovunque fossi ed invece poi il mio cuore decise di affittare un nuovo monolocale.

E non ho creduto a lei quando avrei potuto afferrare qualche sogno che avevo tipo da quando iniziai a capire che essere gentili mi avrebbe consentito di ottenere una caramella in più dalla maestra. E probabilmente l’ho mandata a fanculo definitivamente quando chiesi a Dio un miracolo ed in cambio io avrei dato qualsiasi cosa, anche i miei fumetti preferiti. Certo, forse qualcuno di nascosto l’avrei tenuto, ma non lo so.

Un giorno, al parco, mentre inseguivo qualche canzone su Spotify, un bambino mi sorrise e mi lanciò un pallone. La prima tentazione è stata quella di buttare la palla altrove, così da insegnargli che non puoi avere fiducia nel prossimo, che prima o poi verrai tradito. Tuttavia non lo feci. Non so se siano stati quei denti ancora incerti oppure la sua espressione di bene, ma gli restituì il pallone, anzi iniziammo a giocare insieme. Mi piace pensare che in minima parte abbia contribuito ad abbassare il livello di cattiveria che ormai ci arriva fino ai capelli. E, cosa ancora più importante visto il mio egoismo, quel bambino mi ha salvato la vita senza saperlo.

Da quel giorno, come un neonato che impara a camminare, giorno dopo giorno, ho fatto qualche piccolo passo affinché si riattivasse quantomeno il dialogo tra me e la fiducia. Ad esempio, l’altro ieri ho lasciato il mio cane senza guinzaglio, libero di andare dove volesse. Ho temuto di essere abbandonato per l’ennesima volta ed invece stava lì, accanto a me, probabilmente ancora più felice.

Ho confidato ad un’amica di non essere perfetto come credevo e che a volte i pensieri che faccio mi fanno assai male e temevo che non sarei stato compreso. Ed invece mi ha fatto un sorriso talmente largo che ci entrava dentro tutta la mia anima. Ho rincominciato a fare ciò che mi piace perché senza fiducia in sé stessi diventa difficile vivere, diventa complicato tipo come quando lei sta vicino a me ed io vorrei il suo Capo Nord ma so che non sarà così.

Piccoli gesti, piccoli progressi, perché è difficile avere fiducia in questo mondo di guerra e carestia, è impossibile avere fiducia nelle persone che da un momento all’altro si scordano il tuo nome. Eppure voglio giocarmi questo azzardo perché l’alternativa fa male, fa molto più male chiudere gli occhi e credere che sia tutto già scritto, che sia tutto uguale.

 

 

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